“Jindagi hai kiya meri, teri ahahat ke bina, chahat hai adhuri teri aahat ke bina…….” , The big drop of water blinded my eyes as I started looking for the pause button of the player. Tracks never used to affect me , forget tracks…nothing used to affect me . mushy couples , hardcore unearthly romantic movie absolutely nothing aroused in any emotion or pricked that void of my heart. In the process of editing memories of Ryan . I had edited romance from my existence. Engaged myself into so many ventures that I lost myself in the modernistic world, losing many unnamed emotions …losing the dreamer in me.
Handsomly rewarding investment banking job, a huge hound , and a grey colored bunglow were the possession of my life and strangly I was so happy and satisfied with this. Happy with the small perks of life, making new friends , playing with orphanage children , spending Sundays with old age home inhabitants …showering love to people whose loved ones don’t have abandoned them . Smiling at the old lady selling lac bangles in the streets of old townHyderabad. Looking at the rice pearls shops lined near charminar road, and admiring those beautiful gleaming eyes of women devouring on the pearls. Teenagers looking around with khol lined big eyes, lovers waiting to meet there beloved after the entire days work. I loved watching , capturing these moments with my camera lens . They were like still images of love which I had long lost .
However , that evening something unusual happened, the wind brushing against me suddenly send a shiver down my spine. It seemed like a familiar hand brushed against my face . I startled up ……looked around ..only to find nothing …the next blow brought to me a peculiar fragnance.somthing I knew ..i knew…… and just so much loved nine months back when he was there ..always there by my side . when my days started with waking him from nights sleep…which were usually spend lost into each other (courtesy reliance night pack). When I had all reason to let the day pass by ..mould into one amazing glittering evening which usually spend ..over a rich brown coffee , or walking aimlessly..holding hands….blowing away the entire days exhaustion. When the coldest winter nights could not hold us from sitting on the car bonnet , sipping hot coffee into the darkest hour of the night. Singing the song of silence. I still remember those glances he used to steal, while hanging out with friends …and conveyed million words with just a nod of his head .
Suddenly that pure love that I once saw in his eyes got so fresh in my mind..shaking me inside out…I wrapped the brown shawl over my torso ..as if to prevent the wind from touching me. This was happening again ..again after 9 long months.. I … I was so over him…so over everything related to him…..infact I was so over myself, but then why is this lonely evening affecting me so much. Is it because of dhruv? ( a collegue and a good friend..who proposed me 2 days back)… is it because I am scared of thinking about love…scared of the pain it brings along with it. No , nothing.. it is nothing.. I need a coffee… it is getting cold…i blankly headed towards the coffeeHyderabad. The city was slowing lighting up …deceiving the darkness which was slowly started taking over. Bright lights lit up the city, the charminar road looked more charming then ever, but a weird dullness enclosed me.
Placing the order of a cappichino I looked at my side …a glass reflected my face , fair flawless …, The brown lipgloss accentuated my complexion, but my eyes were so dull. God!! Why am I thinking about all this, checked in my olive pad …No IGoogle had nothing interesting for me…TOI ..naah!!! same dry politics, Miss mamata banerjee ..Gosh ..shez definitely a lady of substance. Aaahh!! ..hmm.. what is this ? something was there ..something ..something was making me so uncomfortable, the old lady in a broken armchair was constantly gazing at me, she smiled when our eyes met….it was something very regular but appeared so ominous to me then.
Why did Ryan turned me down? Why did he turned into someone I failed to recognize? Why did he left me along, stranded when I went out of my way and stood for him always…got him out of every mess he dragged himself in . There were so many unsaid things….but I had locked them up long back ,…..but then why is the past so crazily coming back. I took out my cell, *low network*..duh!! …I still dialed shubhams’s number( this guy is the best healer… you can talk to him for hours without realizing, he posses that amazing skill of making you laugh out loud even on the days when you are at your lowest form ). “ hey rizzy, where r u ?? I am dying to meet you…just out of office….my boss will seriously kill me , seems like I am responsible for INTEL Inc” shubham..hey… chill… I am at coffee hyderabad.. aa jaa” I am waiting…”
“ oh yeah yeah !! I am coming in minutes..mere liye pizza order kar..aur wo sirf mere liye hai..dont give your love bites to it” … “
oh yeh! Tu aa toh”
“ yeah bye m coming”…
Good! I sighed.. I will have a nice evening ahead now if shubham is turning up ..i said and smiled to myself… looked at my reflection again in the mirror… one hair strand was sticking to my lipgloss ,..but it looked cute , I smiled and played with the sugar cubes. My brown hereams was quite a nice contrast to the black lycra top I was wearing …somehow I was definitely attracted to the color black , or so what shubham thought….and I knew even today he will have a nice comment on my dress.i removed that hair strand ..stealing one more glance in the mirror. The winds got a bit rough, and the cloth covering of the roadside stalls flutterd in it like a angry tied eagle. I steped out ..to brave that wind..quite unconscious of what it did to me some half an hour back. The winds totally ruffled my hairs…and I somehow loved it… I will ask shubham to stay over at my place tonight..he loves Danzo anyhow….somehow being alone in the month of February was pricking me this year although I had convined myself that I am fine without Ryan long time back.
I spread my arms a bit to let the winds have me, when suddenly I heard a laughter , a laughter I knew so well , a laughter which took my breath away … something stirred me inside and I turned back . Right there..2 feet away from me he stood with a women in his arms….laughing and giggling in the month of romance. I was startled ….not to see Ryan with another women …but to find the women to be my best friend from college…the one who adviced me to move one, the one who lend me her shoulder…..voltunteered to be with me…..told me how much Ryan was a compromise for me… I deserved someone better.. , the one who furnished me with all the evils of Ryan. They both saw me, and stood there….stoned.
(moment of silence)
I felt a strong gush of disgust not for him or her..but for myself, I wondered how flawed I was to trust anyone who came by , to trust every made believe innocence. I felt a strong desire to go and confront them ..when I heard blurred ringing of my cell ..it was shubham …, and that suddenly brought me back to myself…. They never deserved me, neither my love nor friendship ….and I am not losing my life over a person who is just so confused about life ….why should I punish myself for something so insignificant , I really did not want to degrade myself anymore by..talking to thoses two people standing on the other side of the road.
I turned back and started walking…holding my shawl close to my chest….not looking back…not only physically but also in life now I was moving on in true sense……. Reviving all hidden dreams on the way….planing to walk all untrodden path , unhinderd….i walked past so many faces..side stepping people , ignoring the sorry when I bumped into someone…might be I did not want anyone to see the pain, deception in my eyes…might be I was scared to see myself in someone unknown eye this time…. Fighting contrasting emotion I rushed into my apartment…..standing In front of the mirror I broke into endless tears…overwhelming emtions trapped inside for so many days came out… the loud cried, hiccups and running tears in a process washed away everything..guilt, betrayal, mistakes, failed trust and eventually hatred I nurtured for love When I regained my sense I felt a strong arm around .. it was shubham..i never realized when he came in sat by me….held me so strong …witnessed what I witnessed… “ I am there na!! do you need anyone else?” his eyes clearly spoke…
“ I know ..this is the worse time…but I don’t know…I love you riya, I seriously do so….and I promise to be there for you forever …no matter even if you want to move ahead, I will be always be Theeee….” I hugged him cutting him short. I did not want to hear anything.. I just wanted him to be there then…just because I wanted …. A mere human need, the last straw that a drowning man hold on to. Slowly , we parted..he stood up and walked out.
I don’t remember how long I sat there with motionless eyes … then suddenly I got back to realise it was past midnight. I washed my face..looking at the reflection, there was a subtle desire.. I opened the rack and took out the long abandonded black khol. My eyes still had its charm alive. The dormant glamour of my face got back to life when the khol lined those big eyes, I realized life has just started and these bad experience just add a page to the book of your life.. they are not your life. I went back ..picked up cordless and dialed a number….
A wide awake person picked up the phone “ hey ! you awake?? You ok na!!.. I I ..was about to call you …thught you must have slept…hey , …hey……kuch bolo na” … I laughed back…. “ you asking someone to speak…words falling short Mr Shubam?? “yeah kinda…I mean No… I mean.. I don’t know…”
“ kal you free .. meet up in coffee hydrabad… your pizza is due ..or rather I want a chocolate fudge this time..what say?”
“ Yeah!! Yes!! Sure , definitely.. I will pick you up..what time….i mean if you are free we can head for a movie.. NOTHING HILL playing in Inox…. I mean if you want?? Else only coffee is alright” ….
. “ hmmm.. I will take a leave .. lets go for movie. Lunch…. Walk…. Bosai exhibition and coffee…dinner at your place” …
“wow!! Seriously…I mean are you serious??.
.. “yeah ! why not.. I mean if you get a leave”….
“ areee I will ..who cares ..damn company Intel…totally geek stay there you kow..i mean I will tell you one thing…………………… and we went deep into the night talking…lauging and smiling at whatever was happening .
P.S life was then a broken window, which though was broken ..it enhances light(life) more than ever.